What politicians are and should be telling us

Dear Canadians,

Thank you for your mandatory contributions to the CPP. We used your money to double what is needed to fund your pension, resulting in our CPP fund now having a 200% surplus.

All other pension funds distribute a surplus payment when the surplus is a mere 25%. However, we won’t be, even though we know most of you are struggling financially to survive.

Generational equity or fairness to all is the admirable goal of all pension fund managers. We know we are grossly ignoring this concept. Because we have ignored it, 20 million Canadians have not received a deserved $10,000 payment from the surplus. Such a surplus distribution would bring huge benefits to millions of struggling Canadians and our sputtering economy but we don’t care.

It gets worse. Since 2016, one million low-income seniors have died, never receiving their deserved $10,000. Numerous studies show that our failure to follow standard pension principles means many of these struggling seniors died earlier than they should, with a lower quality of life. That is on us but few people know because the media, controlled by the wealthy, and our CBC, controlled by us, will not report it.

We could let you young Canadians know that a $100,000 CPP pension in 2026 dollars is probable but then the financial industry would lose. And if you voluntarily contributed just $1,000 per year, $40,000 in total, to CPP Investments, you would likely have $542,000 by age 65 whereas, with the financial industry, you would only have $161,000. The efforts made by the financial industry to suppress this wonderful news is colossal but secretive. 

We don’t care. That is because such a surplus distribution would lead to our greedy financial industry eventually losing a small portion of its gigantic profits. We have decided to protect the 1% of Canadians in the financial industry, mostly millionaires, and let the remaining 99% of Canadians, most who are struggling, continue to suffer. 

How do we defend ourselves? We told Professor Macnaughton that our CPP fund needs to accumulate a large surplus in case CPP Investments flounders. We know. With the fund now having $500 billion more than our Chief Actuary claimed is needed, the probability of CPP Investments floundering so badly that CPP pensions will not be paid is an estimated 0.001%. 

Nevertheless, instead of distributing the surplus, we have decided to protect future CPP members by guarding against this improbable outcome. (We claim this is the reason but the real reason is massive pressure and “incentives” from the financial industry to remain silent. They are very convincing. They got all three federal parties to collude on this crucial issue. Democracy is being defied, but who cares?)

If we keep ignoring the CPP’s surplus as it mushrooms, someday Canadians will wake up and protest. Then, your grandchildren will possibly receive $1 million each in cash from the CPP’s surplus even though they only contributed a tiny fraction of that. 

However, you may not have any grandchildren. Canada’s fertility rate is now half what it needs to be for a stable population. Experts claim this is because younger Canadians are so financially deprived they can’t afford to have children. The CPP’s surplus could help fix that.

Good luck with the 43% of you who are near insolvency. Food bank usage has doubled but they should still have something left for you.”

Sincerely,

Your inattentive MP

What an ethical Prime Minister could write to younger Canadians

Hello, young Canadians,

It was a great disappointment to find Canadians under 25 are ranked 71st in the World Happiness Report. I have some news that should make you happier.

When you work, you are forced to contribute 6% of your earnings to the Canada Pension Plan, matched by your employer on your behalf. CPP Investments then invests your pension contributions. Because they are the best pension fund investor in the world, and will likely continue as such, if you earn an average income by age 65, you will likely have a $100,000 CPP pension in 2026 dollars. This means you don’t need to invest any other income towards your future, contribute to any other pension funds or buy life insurance. This is because, if you pass on early, the CPP will give your partner a pension that is 60% of your pension.

Moreover, if you do want to invest, we will allow voluntary contributions to CPP Investments of up to $1,000 per year. Forty years of contributing $1,000 per year will give you $564,000 at age 65 if CPP Investments succeeds as expected.

Finally, we are going to distribute $200 billion from the CPP’s surplus to 20 million Canadians, mostly older. Because you are wrong, you won’t receive much directly. However, a $200 billion surplus distribution will create many thousands of jobs that will give you more employment opportunities.

Sincerely,

Your Prime Minister who cares more about the 99% than the 1%

While our financial industry profits will decline with this legislation, I am interested in supporting 99% of Canadians, not the thousands of millionaires in Canada’s financial industry.